Why and How I Work With Men

“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” – Maya Angelou

When I think of masculinity I think of masculinities.

There is, of course, the capital “M” monolith/monomyth of hyper-individualistic, aggressively defensive, disembodied, and possessively toxic Masculinity. That’s the one that introduced the world to (and perpetuates) the trauma and liabilities of patriarchy (along with its ilk: racism and colonialism). That Masculinity is dysfunctional, yet functionally influences our everyday cultural encounters (especially, though not exclusively, in a western colonial context).

I think big medicine for this big “M” illness comes from an elixir of manifold and collaborative little “m” masculinities. These make up a tapestry of generative, creative, grounded, attuned, embodied, and upstanding expressions of being a man—across different lived experiences of race, sex, orientation, and class.

With that in mind, this feels important to name:

At this point in my coaching work I don’t aim to directly teach or train men to hold a feminist, antiracist, or decolonial analysis. That’s not my area of expertise, but I do aim to model and set up coaching containers that are informed by my own work (past and ongoing) in those areas.

(See below for some excellent resources and programs that are designed to directly support men in investigating and dismantling sexist, racist, colonial ways of thinking and being.)

Through my personal work I am learning to see the ways that the cultural macro-messages of unexamined and unhealthy Masculinity still land—despite my truest intentions otherwise—in the micro-habits of my own relating. I see that my intentions are less important than my commitment to keep on growing. As a cishet white man, I see the ways that my work to be attuned and responsive—to know better and then do better—is continuous, in all my relations.

Some of the core experiences, teachers, and lineages that continue to support me in knowing better and doing better, and that have (directly or indirectly) most influenced how I approach my work as a coach for men who care deeply about the world…

a chorus of feminist authors, poets, and story-makers (among them: Audre Lorde, bell hooks, Octavia Butler, Margaret Atwood, Marge Piercy, adrienne maree brown, Robin Wall Kimmerer, Sherri Mitchell, Esther Perel, Sophie Strand)
a chorus of feminist, ecofeminist, and womanist theologians (among them: JoAnne Marie Terrell, Laurel Schneider, Susan Thistlethwaite, Rosemary Radford Ruether, Delores Williams, Catherine Keller, Sallie McFague, Elizabeth Johnson, Mary Daly)
a chorus of men whose relation to masculinity/myth/culture I admire (among them: Richard Rohr, Resmaa Menakem, Ta-Nehisi Coates, Robert Bly, Robert Moore, Martin Shaw)
the echoes of my family’s and my ancestors’ love and conviction that resound in my life, along with my own careful work of dismantling and re-membering my inherited identities
the humbling dissolution of a 15-year marriage and partnership with my ex-spouse, and the gentle examination of my complicity in the pain, harm, and confusion that they and their family experienced in the process
the continuous cultivation of intimacy and commitment in my marriage with my wife, Emma, and our partnership in making family and building community in an often chaotic world
the experience of receiving my daughter when she somersaulted into my hands and into this world, and the everyday experience of becoming the father that I am

That idea of becoming who we are, aligning our habits of attention with the ground of our being, has been an ontological throughline in my training as a spiritual leader and student of theology. And it was clear to me, when I began training as a coach, that I wanted that throughline to continue.

I'm trained as an ontological coach through the Academy for Coaching Excellence, a program accredited by the International Coaching Federation. Practicing an ontological coaching model means that I support people to see past their limiting beliefs about themselves, and move from the heart of who they really are. I help them notice their limiting beliefs about what’s impossible, so that they are internally compelled by what is creatively and realistically possible.

The men I love to support the most with my coaching practice care a lot about making the world better, and they tend to limit themselves from doing that in bold ways when they collude with…

stories of self-doubt—rendering them either frozen (taking no action) or frantic (lots of action that doesn’t get them anywhere).
stories of boredom—that manifest in habits of distraction which leak the energy that they need in order to pour more into their growth, their relations, and their vision for the world.
stories of isolation—that make them feel lonely and then resist seeking the support that they need in order to move beyond old stories with wise and courageous action.

There are a lot of forms of support that we all need in order to continuously grow.

My vision for my coaching practice is that it will be a vital part of an ecosystem of support for men who are shifting masculinity culture from the obviously frightened and toxic unhealthy monomyth that it so often is, into the robust, multifaceted, agile, compelling, courageous, creative, vital, mindful, and heart-centered reality of sacred world-tending that can be.

All in,

Aram

PS – Here are a few organizations that I am exploring for my own ecosystem of support, learning, and activation (the first two are specifically for white men who are committed to continuous growth in the areas of racial and gender privilege):

Breaking the Mold — Equity Leadership for White Men: Breaking the Mold provides transformative experiences for white men to become more impactful partners in building inclusive workplaces and communities.
White Men for Racial Justice — Talking about and addressing racism, especially as white men, is uncomfortable, difficult, fraught, and often clumsy. We need a brave space where we can have uncomfortable conversations, and be vulnerable in these conversations. Brave space to explore our feelings, our understanding, and our opportunity.
Comrades Education — Hosting educational programming, community building, and skill development in service of grassroots, working class, antiracist, and decolonial movements—for people from all walks of life who care about their communities and worry about the state of the world.

Let's talk.